A Baby’s CV

Some light relief this week, once you have your bundle of joy they soon progress into babies that trash your home, you’ll soon find you have food in funny places and a tiny tearaway on your hands.  They’re pretty cute though… I decided to make a baby CV to see what sort of job he’d get – how does yours compare?

Baby’s CV

Age: 5-18 months

Duties are varied and interesting. They include but are not restricted to:

Emptying cat food and distributing into all corners of the house

Pulling up on anything, however unstable

Shouting randomly

Making smells

Opening cupboards and pulling out contents

A light hearted look at what a baby's CV might look like!

Getting stuck under tables


Doing a small vomit which can go unnoticed on clothing until we are out of the house without a change of clothes

Behaving like an angel for grandparents and babysitters then reverting to type on return

Ripping paper

Eating paper

Eating bits of rubbish off the floor including potential hazards (e.g. staples)

Ripping up toilet tissue

Pulling your socks off, leading to:

Chewing on your socks, and losing/ hiding them

Giving sloppy ‘kisses’

Being adorably cute

Waking up whenever Mum or Dad try to have a special cuddle

Smearing food into your hair, face and clothes and also if possible, the clothes of others

Hiding food in your clothes, nappy and anywhere unlikely to be found for a while

Playing with anything except your toys

A light hearted look at what a baby's CV might look like!

Losing shoes

Drop things from the highchair, cry to have them picked up and then drop them again

Locate the youview box button and turn it off. And on again.  Repeat.  Then do the same with the Xbox.

Listen out for the dishwasher being opened, then go and stand on the door and empty contents, especially knives

Put random things in the washing machine

Key skills:

Be observant

  • wait until the parents are about to eat and then fill your nappy
  • cry, scream, whine until the parent is about to lose it and then smile and be cute


  • Mix it up a bit every now and then, change nap times, foods you like/dislike, how long you sleep at night, sleep through – don’t sleep through, take milk from a bottle and then act like it’s poisonous

Learn and adapt

  • Reach for that unattainable object and claim it finally when nobody’s watching
  • Develop new skills daily


  • Make sure your voice is heard, particularly if you are not the only baby or child in the house
  • Determination
  • Do not accept substitutions
  • Do not give in to changes in sleep or any other habits


  • Make a fuss when not in your mother’s arms
  • Provide smiles only to a select few
  • Show how much you love your mother by crying when she appears to pick you up


  • Make pictures on your highchair with yoghurt and water
  • Think outside the box – climb out of your cot when nobody’s watching

Do you think he’ll get any jobs?! What are your baby’s key skills?

Jenny also writes for Midwife and Life.  Like on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram.

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