Tips for Men on the Maternity Ward

  1. First and foremost stay calm, when labour starts there’s no going back. You’re about to witness your other half do something you are never going to forget, so buckle up. Panic Pete is not welcome!
  2. Humour is welcome! Make her laugh. She may threaten to kill you stone dead, but inside she’s peeing her little pantaloons and appreciating how funny you are. She will laugh looking back at it. Nobody wants somebody serious sitting at their bedside while they push out a little human. Make it funny. Have the lols. You may never be in this situation again.
  3. Gas and Air, it’s for the women! And by god do we need it, so rein it in, you’ll need to get a buzz elsewhere.
  4. No you don’t have time to pop out to the toilet or for a quick smoke mid pushing!
  5. Man up! You may see something, which will make you, feel lightheaded, but we don’t need you passing out half way through the epidural.
  6. Take the photos. Mummy and baby asleep??? Lap it up and snap it up, however try to keep clear or photos from the bottom end during delivery!
  7. Forget immediately about the labour poo. In fact, don’t mention it all ever. We know it happened. We know that you know it happened. Everyone in the room knows it happened so just stop using it as some sort of proof of love “I watched you shit on our baby and I’m still here!” Erase from your memory pronto.
  8. Do not ever ask if you can have a go at milking us, just for fun. It’s actually not s funny as you think it is.
  9. You bring the food! Day or night, you do not dare leave the hospital and return empty handed without food or snacks. Hospital food sucks and we’re not going to want to eat it, plus we’ve just pushed out a little person so we deserve nice treats.
  10. When she sends you to fetch her clothes to come home in, be realistic. Arriving back home in high waisted skinny jeans and a crop top is not going to be the best idea. We’re talking leggings here boys; we’re talking tracksuit bottoms, t-shirts, vest tops, anything loose and comfortable! Baggy is the keyword here. And remember she isn’t going to want to be wearing a G-string; we’re talking big Bridget pants!
  11. Remember to compliment those baggies. We know we’re dressed like we’re preparing to paint our living room ceilings, but all the same, if you could just give us a little thumbs up, that would be great thanks. A simple “You look great honey” would be sufficient.
  12. Do not; I repeat no not keep mentioning how tired you are. You’re not the hero here. If there are no awards being handed out to us, there is definitely none for you. . Just be grateful your going home with your genitals still in tact.
  13. Enjoy every moment; you will never get these first few weeks’ back. She may not admit it but your other half is at her most vulnerable. So be there for her and she’ll be there for you.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *